Mental Monday: The Day I Found Out

Bipolar wasn't something that I ever thought I would have, nor did I want the stigma that came with mental illness. But that changed in December of 2008.

I always chucked my moods up to being normal, that I was taking after my father and his temper. Mental illness wasn't something that we ever talked about. In fact after my diagnosis I learned about my families history with it, on my mothers side.

When I was told that I had Bipolar, it sent me in to the deepest depression of my life. I felt like my world crashed down on me. My husband was no longer dating the person he fell in love with, at least that's how I felt. I was angry that this happened to me. At one point I checked in to a mental hospital, because my depression had me at rock bottom. At that point I wanted to end my life.

During my Hospitalization I quickly realized everyone who suffers from mental illness has problems. It was a wake up call for me. I had what the didn't a support system and suicide was not going to ever be an option for me.

After my stay at the hospital was when I became more open about my disorder. I told my bosses, and family. I sought help for it.

Today I am and always will be very open about it. I feel I have to be. Because my story may help someone. I am here to break the stigma that is placed on us that is created by a bias media. Lately I am seeing mental illness used as a scapegoat for people who commit crimes, and that saddens me. People who suffer from mental illness can be productive and leaders in our society, and I am here to do my part in that!!!

 

Mental Monday: Battle Scars Part 1

Most of us, even without a mental illness, carry battle scars, past transgressions. In some cases we even wear them as a badge of honor or pride. But for me that ends now.

For to long I have let the one thing dictate my future and my present. And frankly I tired of lugging it around. Its time to let the past go. Including my scars.

The truth is if it doesn't bring you joy or peace then let it go. So here is to my first Battle Scar. Bitterness.

I carried this anger when I was diagnosed. I was bitter and just pissed. I ate my feelings. I stewed in my pain of watching people I loved go through terrible things. And when the dust settled I became hardened. I wasn't the best version of my self. I became reclusive, I hid from hanging out with people I ran from the responsibilities of friendship and family.

So today I am letting go of those things. How? It is different for every person. I like to write and walk to let things go, and that is what I did. So each Monday for a few weeks I am dedicating my mental Mondays to letting go of my battle scars.

Today I let go of  my hurt of past relationships that rocked me to my core. I let go of the anger of being hurt by people I trusted. I forgive them and their behavior and I forgive myself. I am letting go of the trust that was lost in the hopes that one day I can have that level of friendship with people again.

Mental Monday: Prosper Where You Are Planted

Learning to grow our skills where we are to get to where we want to be is something of a struggle for me. I work hard trying everyday to be the things I want to be. so how exactly is it that I am still stuck at the usual place in between manic and depressed?

It's because I am not using my skills to better myself. Most days I still don't know what those skills are.

So here is my action plan

1) Find a constructive way to handle my manic episodes. I like to tap in to my creative side.
2) Work on the root cause of a depressive episode and try to grow from it.
3) learn what my skills are and how to use them to prosper.
4) physical activity, it helps, a lot.
5) Nutrition.

Hi, my name is Erin, and I'm bipolar.

When I got home after work I learned what most of you had known for hours. I will never laugh the same Mr. Williams.

How many more people have to be gone, committed, or do unspeakable acts, for our government and people to say mental illness is real?

That's how this post was going to go.  

Until I realized it would get me no where. Trust me I can go on for hours about how the system ignores and fails mental illness. And then I thought, every person with a mental illness goes through it differently, and we all have different symptoms. And there is a difference between each illness. Don't group us all in to depression, that is not fair.

So let's examine my bipolar disorder.

Everyday is a struggle within my mind, yes I take my medication, but that is part of the bigger picture and struggle. 

Ever have one of those days where you can't find one of your shoes? Most people would give up and find something else. Not me. I will destroy every inch of my house to find that shoe, it will make me late, cause arguments and anxiety. To make my point a bit more visual go watch the beginning of Silverlingings Playbook, that moment when Bradley Coopers character cannot find the wedding video, that is me.

My body cycles constantly. My body also levels out on medication, meaning that once my body chemicals are stable, my system doesn't know how to react to that, so it shifts. I raise my medication with my doctor, then lower it when my body needs a change. I have a waisted medication list that is a mile long. 

Before medication I was really unstable, I mean horrible. Up and down with no known way to deal with it. My relationships with friends and family were becoming broken. The feeling that everyone walks on eggshells around you is a really low feeling. Which adds to a depressive cycle. You feel helpless. Sometimes I still do. Bipolar makes you reclusive in nature. 

During the medication test period I almost lost everything. One evening in particular, and this is the first time I've ever mentioned this, my then fiancé and I got into a "normal" argument, except this time it was worse. I threw things. And he said to me that unless I got the right help, we wouldn't get married. And that says a lot about my husband. This man always said he would never give up on me unless I give up on my self and life. And he was staring at me with tears in his eyes saying that he couldn't be this way anymore. But that night I said I would change. A few weeks later it was right back there. And I ended up hospitalized. It was very short, 24 hours to be honest. But I realized that I had what some people don't, a support system. Now I'm not saying everything has been coming up roses since then. But we did get married, and we will never give up on each other.

The medication I'm on now is the best combination for me, and I've only recently gotten there, 5 years is how long it took to find this place of normal. I credit my medication, myself and my doctors for helping me have the right tools.

What are those tools?

Everyday I take my medication. But what has really been helpful is at the request of my husband and my doctor I eat well, and workout. And when you combine all those things it makes it a bit better to deal with the moments that suck the life out of you.

Losing my mom taught me how strong I was. Don't get me wrong I still deal with the loss everyday, she was after all super woman. I just now realize how much shit someone can go through and still be an amazing person. And if she could do everything she did everyday, I could do this.

Fact most with bipolar disorder are overweight, and half of that group are on the verge of having or do have diabetes. And that's not where I want to be.

So what can you do? If you or someone you know has a mental health issue or you fear that they may take their own life please help them get help. We are all stronger than we know.

For more info please visit the Depression and Bipolar Suport Alliance at the link listed below

http://www.dbsalliance.org/