As I write this the struggle to tell this story is hard. My family reads my blog, and not many know that in 2008, I filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy. This was right before my diagnosis. But money had always been a challenge for me. If I had a bad day, I would buy things I couldn't afford with my credit cards. If I was pissed off I would shop. In some cases this was a learned behavior, I saw this a lot with my parents. But it wasn't their fault, I own it, I did it.
Cut to diagnosis and a new(ish) relationship. My husband and I were together at the time of my bankruptcy, and I swore I was done. That was when I developed the hiding of my spending.
At first it was little things here and there stuff I knew I could get away with, makeup, etc.... Then it would be hundreds of dollars of things I would hide. But then the guilt would settle in and I would fess up. This was and sometimes is still an occurrence. It is a work in progress every day when I am in a manic time the struggle is there, and when I am depressed that urge is there as well, however it is more about things that comfort me in a depressive state, like food, pasta, wanting to eat out, trying to convince my husband that I want this food or that food. But the area that these two states have in common is spending money we don't have.
Being on medication helps. It always, for me anyway, softens the blow of my mental state. Don't get me wrong medications help, but they DO NOT solve the problem. And I believe the problem never gets solved, mainly because it is a daily struggle to constantly fight with your mind or constantly try you best everyday to be better.
Mental illness is always for me a work in progress. I know we all have our own feelings on if it can go into a state of consistency, for me I don't believe that is possible for me. Why do you ask? Because my brain chemicals are constantly changing and my meds are always needing to be raised or lowered. My bipolar "levels out" on any medication. Trust me we have tried so many cocktails 007 would be jealous.
Money for me now has become a bit of an obsession. I struggle everyday to not check our accounts, or make a new budget. Just yesterday we had to make a tough choice and buy something that is in most cases a temporary situation. It almost depleted our savings, but we felt like we had no choice left to barter with.
I also have my mothers heart and I have this need to help my friends or family. But now I have my life and future hanging in the balance with no cushion. Over the next few months we will be working towards rebuilding our savings, by doing a number of things.
For me that means really buckling down and working to become the leader I need to be to grow my business, because the other part of this disorder is the ability to have a job, which I do, but it isn't my passion. I am on a mission to change the way people look at not only mental health, but physical health, and gain a life of financial freedom. If this sounds like something you would like to know more about click the join our team tab at the top to learn about why I started my journey or simply click
here to go to the page besides we are just two goofballs wanting to change ourselves and others, and together with the help of others we can get there!
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