Pop... I can't quit you.... But I want to!

Sometimes love affairs start young. My first time was when I was about 6 or 7 and from that moment I was hooked. Looking back through out my life pop, mainly coke, has been a crutch for me.

Having a bad day... Have a Coke
Fighting with my parents.... Have a Coke
Need to wake up in the morning... have a Coke

Now I know what pop does to you and have always known, my Grandmother used to tell me about this lady who she went to church with who lost a lot of stomach lining from drinking 7 cans a day. But that never stopped me. I know what it does... I just don't care was my attitude!

But now being the heaviest I have EVER been, I decided it was REALLY time to stop. I've tried, and failed at this so many times that I have lost count. I even started to drink coffee to replace it so I don't get headaches.

But this year I set a goal for myself. 366 days (Leap Year) without it. Mainly it says Coke. But I have decided after discussing it with people  have determined this means ALL POP. Insert sad face here.

Here's why I asked that question. When I met Brian his mother introduced me to THE DRINK, Bourbon drink to be exact. It's a summer time kind of drink and within my group of friends I became famous for it. Problem is you uses 7UP with it. now you understand my sad face....

So alas there will be NO bourbon drink had by me this year.  Sorry in advance to my mother in law and to my friends I'm sorry someone else will have to be the life of the party!

But I want to leave the recipe here for you.

1 can of frozen Orange Juice
1 can of frozen lemonade
1 cup of sugar
6 cups of water
1 cup of strong tea
2 cups of Bourbon... or 3 ;)
mix this all together in a large container and freeze.
Once frozen mix with your favorite lemon lime soda
and you can add another shot or two in your cup!

Workouts! what I am doing!

One of my goals for this year was to step outside of my comfort zone when it came to working out. Now I wont be doing classes at a gym cause that is not my thing. I like to be at home or on a treadmill!

But I decided to do a dance program because this is out of my realm of stuff I like to do when it comes to fitness. And I don't Zumba!

Why not a class? When at the gym or a studio I feel completely anxious around people. I think the last time I tried Zumba I had a panic attack. It's not easy for me to be in a group setting.

So when the opportunity to try a new program from my favorite trainer came about I jumped on it for this new year! So I chose to Cize it Up with ShaunT!!!!

It is so much fun and I am sweating I think more than T25 here!! I love it!! For the first time Exercise is fun! Don't get me wrong I love walking, But this is fun and doesn't feel like a workout until I wake up the next day!! 

If you want to Cize it up with me click here!!

I am also still walking to ease my back pain. I am just going REALLY SLOW!!

What I am Loving about this program is how it is broken down! you get the dvd's and a get started guide. But you also get a food and nutrition guide, and a eating out guide!! Plus you get the calader above in the picture which will help you know what workout to do and it is two sided with an advanced calendar for the second 6 weeks! Plus If you want accountability you get a FREE coach! (me!)

Anywho ...... That is all I have for you today!!!!! XOXO
                                                                                      ~Erin~

Why Weight Watchers.....

So as I started the new year I looked back to when I was successful on my journey and where I wasn't. I had be so riddled with injury and depression that I worked out sometimes.... But ate whatever I wanted. So it brought me to where my journey began in February 2011, and Weight Watchers.

Please do not get me wrong, I AM still a coach with Beachbody, fitness isn't the problem, food and my emotions are. And when I lost weight the firs time it was because of weight watchers.

So why now? I need to be held accountable with my food not my fitness. I love the support from my meetings and the connections made there. Weighing in every week gives me a structured goal. And really no food is off limits. If I want regular pasta instead of Whole grain I can.

So what am I doing fitness wise? I am walking and doing a Beachbody program called Cize. I walk because it is what I love and I am doing Cize because it is outside of my comfort zone, dancing.... ME? Yes! It is also the only two things I can do without discomfort from my back and Sciatic Nerve.

So How did my first week go on weight watchers?? I was down 2.4 pounds!!! But this time my goals are not specific to just the scale!! I'm going by how I feel! And right now I feel great!!

Weight Of The World: Workout Wednesday Edition

I don't know where exactly to start this post. I lately have only been trying to put out the positive side of me. But as the days progress my depression has grown to an astronomical length..

I am a self sabotage person. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes it is like I have this empty feeling in my heart, probably because two of my favorite people in the world aren't here anymore and to fill that hole I eat.

I restart my weeks on Sunday's it has become more of a habit since my weight watcher days. Sunday and Monday were amazing days food wise. But then Tuesday. I had what a very vivid dream or moment of my mother and that made me miss her like crazy. Then the negative thoughts start to crowd my brain. Feelings of letting her down and disappointing her, and then I fell like I am failing at EVERYTHING. Job, Finance, you name it. That is when I need to fill that void I feel. I fill it with food.

So being that it is Wednesday I thought I would give you an analogy of what it is like. I have stated here before that I love walking. So imagine you are hiking up this trail. At first it is beautiful the trees the fresh air. But then the trail becomes very steep. You begin to breathe heavy and start to sweat. Then the thought of you can't do this creeps in. Then it begins to rain. No pour. you are still climbing still trucking along but the negatives start to win. You stop. You don't want to keep going. You have a pity party. The negative has won.

That's where I am right now, with everything in life.

Until this morning.

And why the walking analogy is so fitting for me. I laced up my shoes went to the gym and began to climb my mountain. My depression. Am I in a better place? Yes. Am I where I want to be? No the depression is still here. But I chose to climb. The only way it gets better with mental health is to climb out of the hole.

I can't remember the movie, but the main character is trapped in a hole that the bad guy has dug its raining and the villain keeps pouring dirt in to the hole the rain makes it worse but she is still fighting. And I will continue to fight my villain, my Bipolar Disorder. Some day's I will want to quit, and I might stop fighting that day, but when I am ready to start the climb again I will come back stronger.

Weighing in Sunday...

So first off on weigh in Sunday is I'm back at the blog after some time away for various reasons. 

Weigh in Sunday is not only going to be about me weighing myself, but I also want to talk about other things that are on my mind.

So here I go....

1) I'm not ready for aging parents. Both my parents have disabilities, my mother's I've touched on here, and its gotten worse. And my dad has MD. So they rely on each other and my sister and i. It feels like the changes happened overnight. But it did not. Something's stem from not taking care of themselves and some have come with just getting older. I love both my parents despite my issues I may have with them. Seeing them gradually become this way and a lot of the events that have happened over a 5 year period led to me finding comfort in food. I feel that I'm too young for this to be happening, however I know People whom were in their early 20's and dealt with it. Life is nothing without struggle. And this is just the way things are going to be. So I will enjoy the good times and embrace the emotions of the hard times and hopefully I will gain from it.

2) having kids.... It's not in the cards for me. It isn't something I or my husband came to with any sort of ease, of course I have some desire to have a family. But and this but is why we are not having a conventional family.... I cannot with a clear conscious bring a child into my life and still have my mental health. I know that my mental health is always going to be a work in progress and I feel that it will not ever be to place where I can be stable to responsibly raise a human life.

And Brian gets that.

I'm not saying people with bipolar disorder can't or shouldn't have kids, many do and I applaud that. It's a choice. I just choose differently. So no little Dowell's from us. Unless you count my furry children(I do)

3) staying on the mental health kick.... I'm having the worst time trying to sleep. Boo. In fact I write this post at 12:00 am. 3 1/2 hours after the time I try to make my bedtime. Some people who suffer from mental illness have the problem of an over active brain. Mine never shuts down, it's constantly over thinking.

4) Sunday weighing in for weight watchers. Since I have been cleared by my dr scince July to exercise I haven't been able to get motivated. Mostly because I gained the 30 pounds I had lost. So with out further delay my first weigh in weight is......  198.2. I'm about to embark on this journey for the 5th time. And with hard work and support it will be my last.

That's all she wrote!! Have a good one!! 

Xoxo!!

30 days! A Healthy Challenge!!

So today Saturday April 13,2013, I am committing to 30 days of health! My list WILL include the following:

1. No pop of any kind.
2. 1 Hour of exercise at the gym 5X a week.
3. Walk 2 miles a day(yes I know this seems crazy with working out 5X a week, But I love walking) 
4. Make good choices with food.
5. Take the stairs at work.
6. Drink 8 glasses of water every day.
7. Say something Positive about yourself EVERY morning.
8. Meet the Good Health Guidelines.
9. Check in daily on the blog and on fb.
10. Be accountable
11. Follow Weight Watchers to a T. (I know it works only if you work the program)
12. Measure my food everyday.
13. Even Though I'll be on vacation I will make the best choices.
14. NO EXCUSES!  (My Hotel has a fitness center, so I have NO excuse not to work out.)
15. Have fun.
16. Celebrate my Birthday without going overboard! But Still have some Tres letche cake at my dinner!!
17. Pack my lunch every night.
18. pack my Gym bag Every night

I'm Sure there will need to be more added to this list. My 30 Day's starts now.

I have put the photo challenge on hold because, this past week I have been too Lazy. Today is the start of SO many changes! I'll Check in everyday on my blog, I'll give you the play by play. I WILL do this I have too. I am so afraid and I mean this in a way that means no disrespect, I am so afraid of becoming my mother, health wise, I don't want to be diabetic, or lose a leg or have no control over how my body works, so today I HAVE TO MAKE THIS CHANGE!

I love all of my friends and my family who are on this journey with me!!! 

XOXO 

Erin D.

This is Me and Brian we had only been dating a Few months at this point. I miss the person I was here.  I am posting  this photo because slowly but surely I will get back to this person. I love You Babe and promise if you stick with me and do this with me we can grow together. I know it isn't easy loving me and my Bipolar disorder but this girl in this photo is still here waiting to shine! xoxo! 

Words hurt.....

So I have debated sharing this on here all day. After much thought I will share only the words that this "person" said to me on Saturday I say "person" to be polite. I don't want to talk about the situation, only the words that were spoken...... "STAY FAT AND UGLY". Those words have been on instant replay in my brain since yesterday..... I have no words...

I lost control, I am forcing a smile on my face, I have low opinions of most of humanity, And they said how I think people look at me, fat and ugly.

Now I know that I am far from that, but some days I feel that way. I know I'm blessed to have the life I have. I know that my husband thinks I am beautiful, as do my friends, and my family. But those words have paralyzed me.

So what did I do today? I picked myself up off the pity party floor, and did what I am training myself to do.
I went to the gym, I worked out that much harder. And while those words will stay with me probably for most of my weight loss journey they WILL NOT define me.

On to much better news..... I weighed in at 190.1!!! A loss of 3.4 pounds!!!! YAY!!!!

I also didn't take pictures on Friday and obviously Saturday I wanted nothing to do with a camera... So here is today's after gym photo.

XOXO Erin D.

 

Working it out!! My nsv!!

Very proud of myself for committing to my 5:00 A.M. Work outs!! I feel the energy all day, and the bonus is that I am done with my work out so my evenings are free. My clothes are fitting better too!!  

I was also proud of myself for not stuffing my face after a tense evening yesterday. Instead I came home and went to bed, and I worked out those emotions at the gym! This is such a learning  experience for me. With my Bipolar disorder I normally just lose all self control. But each day I am trying to remember that I control IT, IT does not control me! I am trying to be more positive, fake it till you make it style. But still a positive step none the less! Here are the past few days of the Photo of the day!

Tuesday morning after my work out!!!

Wednesday hanging with my poochie!!!! 

Thursday after a 45 min walk with my sister and the dogs.  Yeah I  worked out twice!

XOXO 

Erin D.

4:30 am wake ups SUCK@@$#@%$^

This A.M. Sucked.... Only when I tried to get out of bed, once I got going  it was smooth sailing. I started to crash around 3:00 in the afternoon... Any Ideas on what to do when that happens?

I have my bag packed for tomorrow morning, just in case my left foot wants to go. I got a steroid injection in it this afternoon. Worst thing EVER! It hurt like a @#$$D$^$#%$%*$^&*#@$^&!  Don't want to do that again, but I might next Monday if there are no improvements.  

WSU played in the championship Missouri Valley tournament, But we fell short and lost by 3. None the less  I  rocked my shocker hoodie with pride. poop on you Blue chickens(Jay's)!

I am so very happy that the hubs joined me at the gym and is doing this journey with me! XOXO Mr. His goal for the week is one pound, I think he will do more than that! Mine is one pound also. But I'm hoping and wishing for more, but A LOSS IS A LOSS RIGHT????? 

 And this is today's shot as you can tell I am Pooped.... Off to bed I go.....

XOXO Erin D!!!

Weigh In 3/9/13 (Go Shockers!) xoxoxo!

So lets start With the weigh in...... 193.5.... I gained..... I ate like CRAP this week so I knew it was going to happen.

Tomorrow I'll start  my insane gym schedule. 4:30 am wake up sad face..... But it must be done.

 Pictures of the day yes pictures. Let me introduce everyone to Pete I had a wonderful time with Pete Dowell 

he normally lives in my car but it was so cold in there he ran off... Soon he will be back on my dashboard!! 

Best present  EVER! Thanks to my sister for Pete!

Down a pant size!

So a quick post this AM. Went looking for some jeans in my closet and couldn't find any size 18's but I found a pair of 16's. And guess what they fit! and are not to tight!! That feeling is so amazing!

Woke up at 4:45 got ready for work and walked the dogs for about 1 mile, maybe a little under. On Sunday I'm going to try going to the gym, if my feet will let me.

Here are my pictures of the day from Thursday and today. I tried to get a picture with both of my other fur babies however they no likey!

Angry cat on the right!! 

This is our youngest baby Riley! and mommy's favorite!

This is angry cat or better known as Baylee! I love giving her kissy face!!! she of course HATES it!

TGIF!!!!

Struggles = Stronger...... Right??

Morning all.. I'm in another motivation FUNK. I always look to how far I have to go in this journey and it kills my motivation. I've tried everything from picturing me at my goal weight in that retro bikini to setting smaller goals like 10 pounds at a time. But because I am limited on the amount of exercise I can do I get discouraged. For those who don't know about 8 or 9 months ago while I was well on my way to getting to my goal, I was getting increasing  amounts of pain in my feet so I just stopped EVERYTHING. It got to the point where I would get into my car after work and cry because the pain was to intense. So after gaining all the weight I had lost and complaining daily to my husband and my mother I went to get help. I had bone spurs on BOTH of my heals. GRRR.

I had my first surgery on January 2nd of this year, and the second surgery on the 15th of February I had the second. I should be healed by now right? Wrong, my left foot which was done first is still hurting like I have the spurs still.. Double GRRR.

I went and did just 15 min of cardio on Monday and Tuesday my foot was unhappy, and so was I. I binged, I ate the pasta I've been craving for weeks. so now I find my motivation is severely lacking. I tried to walk the dogs like normal today to no avail. Had no desire. So I'm writing this morning and asking you to send me some happy vibes. Today WILL be better than yesterday. 

So here are the photos for my 365 photo project. 

Tuesday! Loved my hair! Which is very unusual  for me.

And today's photo. 

Happy middle of the week! 

XOXO 

Erin

Weight loss and bipolar medications

This is a topic that I want to address. When you first get diagnosed those first 6-7 months are hell. Your weight goes up then down up then down. Once it gets under control if you are not careful it can and will creep up.
I am of the majority of the people who have gained weight on medications. And the simple fact is that losing weight with these medications is an uphill battle attached to an already existing battle. study after study that you can find during a internet search will tell you that people with Bipolar disorder are at high risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes. So what does this mean to me? Well I interpret this to mean that  losing weight is going to be more challenging for me and people like me.
It is weird my medications actually increase my cravings for foods that I love, like pasta. My Zolaft, when cycling, can make me crave starches and carbs so bad that I am down right mean.
So what is my action plan? I will follow Weight Watchers and do what I have to do. But for the cycling I am going to try to increase my exercise when i feel it coming on. In addition to that I have read some studies that suggest you increase your water intake during this time, it is supposed to increase the effectiveness of the medications, so instead of 6-8 glasses of water I will increase it to 9-10. all these little changes will add up and I'm hoping that my cycling will decease in either the number of times a year it will happen or decrease the length, I'll take one or the other.


Now on to the weigh in!!!

I weighed in on Saturday at 192.2!!! a loss of 2.2 pounds! I was very happy. BUT, I had a major cycling issue on Saturday that carried over to Sunday, I binged. I was upset with myself for finally giving into the cravings and all, but realized that for every accomplishment that happens there is the possibility of comming up short the next time.

And now the picture a day!!

My in laws came to town and brought the newest member of the Dowell family Joe Cocker!! so these are Saturday's pics of the day!!

Sunday!

Monday! get to finally go to the gym!

   XOXO
Erin

I WANT PASTA!!!

For reals I WANT PASTA! It is my vice along with coke (the pop). These are my top to foods that give me "comfort"

Tonight I WANTED them, but did not have them. I wanted to be bad..... but I decided on Turkey burgers with Turkey bacon, lettuce, tomato, onion, skim milk cheese, ketchup and light mayo. I also baked potato Chips in the oven. I did over indulge on some things but for the most part I'm proud I didn't buy the bag of pasta and alfredo and eat the whole damn thing!

My day was a huge struggle, but I made it. And I want to share with you something that happened to me on my morning walk today. I was down really down. And Let me fore warn you I am NOT religious, I believe in god, just not in church. Anywho I was walking and talking to myself and Whomever you think was listening. I said "please help me with my illness, please, help it not control me this time, don't let me eat my sorrows, please help" I repeated this several times finally when the depression  was starting to flare I heard a male voice "you can choose" I was puzzled in my head I was like WTF!!! then I was focused on the "what" can I choose.. and before i said anything I heard it speak again " It is a choice to be happy, you can let "others" affect you or you can choose to be happy, there is always a choice. Choose between happy and unhappy. But know that it is a choice"

Weird...... I thought I was cray cray! no one was around outside it was 4:00 am, and unless My dogs learned how to talk then this voice came from somewhere important. I personally want to believe it was my Grandfather talking to me, telling me that I have the tools to control this. It sounded like him, and I frequently talk to him(myself) about life, and finally he answered. 

Don't get me wrong After that today was still totally a struggle. I wanted candy, didn't want to do a damn thing. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh so hard that i was crying. So I just took it one thing at a time

Anywho here are the photos of the day (excuse the trash on the floor, I have dogs that get into everything)

XOXO!!!!!

Erin D.

The Road To 30.... starts now!

All my life I was thin.... until I wasn't... Life happens. I went through the worst two weeks of my life. It was in the summer of 2007. My dad calls me at work..... talk to your mom he said.... I couldn't understand what was happening but knew I was needed. My sister was not available due to a test for getting her license in her field of work, so I went to the  wound clinic. That day mom had her leg amputated. Diabetes is not a joke or something you can take lightly. I cant remember how the next event happened, but I remember the phone call, EVERY word. I called my aunt to let her know what was happening with mom, she was silent then the words that would change my life in another dramatic way came out of her mouth, "I don't think grandpa is breathing" I was in a state of numbness, some how after minutes of silence she said "I know he's not breathing, he's gone. In that moment I felt so...... I still don't know how to explain it. All I will say is my friends, Who also were my coworkers picked me off the floor and carried my weight for many many days.

      The reason for this story is to give background. In the months that followed I was diagnosed with depression, Which would after months of nothing working, no therapy, no medication, NOTHING, helping I went to get a mental health screening. Bi-polar. That was it. At the time, and sometimes I still do, I viewed it as a curse... I was told I developed it with the onset of difficult times which is common with adults. I also turned to food. And lots of it.

       In that first year after my diagnoses I went from 136 pounds to one 165 pounds. but another couple of years it went to 170, then to 180, and then 205. I'm 5 ft 1/2 an inch. do the visualization. I was BIG. Now I will say that on my wedding day I weighed 189. I had joined Weight Watchers, and lost a little weight, because I didn't really Follow the program..

   

       Now don't get me wrong I WAS FIERCE  the day of our wedding. I truly felt beautiful.Shortly after our wedding is when I reached 205. Getting married, planing a wedding, while having Bi-polar disorder, and stress, all that stuff was reason enough to STUFF my face! Its not an excuse, I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER! That is really the first time for me saying it out loud, to all of you!!
 
       Cut to December, I finally got around to changing my name, and took a new ID picture for work. When my new card was handed to me I thought they gave me the wrong card. No joke. I came back to work and asked my BFF if I was really that big. And We don't sugarcoat ANYTHING for each other. She said with a sincerer but stern face, "YES" She had been nagging me to go to the gym for MONTHS. I always had an excuse. So that evening I went to our gym on campus and paid to work out, I also rejoined Weight Watchers, and planned my walking program.

 
      Just like that my life changed. Everything just clicked with weight loss. Before I knew it, it was May. I was down 28 pounds! WOOHOO! Right? Yes and no. In the middle of  May, my BFF had fallen on hard times, she went home to her country. I couldn't be with her to help her. I felt guilty, my own fault not anyone else's, I stress ate everything including a jar of peanut butter in a 2 hour span (no joke, it was full too).  She was gone 3 weeks, I had no drive. But I didn't gain! When she came back I tried my hardest to be her rock. Cut to June back on track down 33 pounds! By then we went on our day trip (this blog was born).

       By July I was back! My parents and sister went to Vegas. We we taking care of the house, animals and watering the plants and yard 2 times a day. Hot hot summer. When they came back the hubs and I were relieved. Then the evening on the 8th happened, the house fire. The story is on the blog if you wanted to read it. That's all I will say about it. Needless to say I ate EVERYTHING in sight. Buy August i was back to 185. Not in a hang out with my friends kinda mood. I had a falling out with the BFF. And learned she was moving back home.. I ATE. 192... She left in October.... We didn't speak, even on her last day. I ATE.. 198.....

     By December..... 199.... I was trying to get back on track. but my feet were too much. went to the DR. Bone spurs. OUCH! Needed surgery... 204...

     So with a heavy heart I rejoined Weight Watchers in January. So now I'm starting my journey over, and this is it! I'm DONE! I cannot be heavy one more minute. and my goal!!!!!!!................

     On my 30th birthday I will be in Vegas at a pool in a retro BIKINI!!! I have only wore a bikini once. I was 15 and was uncomfortable. I had a size aa bra and some tummy pouch. But this time I will WORK IT!!! Mark my Words right here and now!! It WILL happen whether i am at a good weight or not. I signed a contract with myself, and made a promise!!!!  So follow me on my journey. Every Monday I will have a new post with a picture for everyday and some words of wisdom, and maybe when I am fully able some Work out info!!!!!

     My parting "gift' is a picture of me taken 7 years ago. I was HOT! And I will look like this again!!! I'm the one on the left. ;)

XOXO Erin D.