hate hate hate Bipolar disorder. when trying to be healthy

I hate living with this illness. Behind the smile is a very angry girl. I am cycling right now, this is when I go from a manic state, to a depressed agitated state. This is how my life has been for the last 5 years, I will be just fine then BAM! I get in to these very intense modes where I NEED to clean or focus on one thing until I am blue in the face, like crazy OCD fits, then I start to become agitated for a few days then I'll be in a  depressed state for at least 2 or 3 weeks.
To make the matters worse I am 70 pounds over weight. Great way to add to the misery. If I want to get all "blamey" here then I would say it was the disorder, but it didn't hold a gun to my head and make me eat unlimited amounts of pasta, I did.

Today I entered the agitated/depressed cycle. And I ate. I ate Sweetarts. A lot of them. Then at dinner I couldn't stop eating the lasagna. I would sneak to the kitchen to have "one more bite" no worries I tracked it and am dealing with it but still, I hate when I do that. I don't understand why food is so comforting to me. Sometimes I believe it is the instant gratification I get from alfredo. The only way I can describe it is that it's like a warm hug from an old friend. Food just is a release for me. I enjoy the process of prepping and cooking, and LOVE the satisfying feeling I get from it when I taste it and it is good. I am working really hard to change these behaviors but now entering this state I feel the load of what I am doing.

It isn't uncommon for someone with Bipolar disorder to be overweight. I've read the studies and know the stats, but it still doesn't stop me form over indulging, leaving with me more weight to try and lose when the depression leaves. Hell my Mom should serve as a lesson for me "this is what you should do to avoid going through this yourself one day". I don't WANT to be Diabetic, I don't want to take shots and I like having two legs. So even though I over ate on the pasta it could have been worse, I could have given in to my depression and my vice which is to have 3 or 4 cokes with my dinner. I chose to indulge myself on the pasta and to not have a coke, even when Brian asked if we could have pop tonight I said NO. This may seem like a small insignificant amount of progress to some but it WAS a very hard decision for me to make.... and I am proud I didn't let that win. Cause I know what would happen to my mood if I did. I would be a pool of tears right now. But I didn't and decided to open up about the situation. I know not many people read this, but this is like my journal here so just to put it out in the open is awesome.

I choose to work through this part of my illness and control it before it controls me.


ANYWHO here is today's photo of the day!

XOXO

Erin D.