I WANT PASTA!!!

For reals I WANT PASTA! It is my vice along with coke (the pop). These are my top to foods that give me "comfort"

Tonight I WANTED them, but did not have them. I wanted to be bad..... but I decided on Turkey burgers with Turkey bacon, lettuce, tomato, onion, skim milk cheese, ketchup and light mayo. I also baked potato Chips in the oven. I did over indulge on some things but for the most part I'm proud I didn't buy the bag of pasta and alfredo and eat the whole damn thing!

My day was a huge struggle, but I made it. And I want to share with you something that happened to me on my morning walk today. I was down really down. And Let me fore warn you I am NOT religious, I believe in god, just not in church. Anywho I was walking and talking to myself and Whomever you think was listening. I said "please help me with my illness, please, help it not control me this time, don't let me eat my sorrows, please help" I repeated this several times finally when the depression  was starting to flare I heard a male voice "you can choose" I was puzzled in my head I was like WTF!!! then I was focused on the "what" can I choose.. and before i said anything I heard it speak again " It is a choice to be happy, you can let "others" affect you or you can choose to be happy, there is always a choice. Choose between happy and unhappy. But know that it is a choice"

Weird...... I thought I was cray cray! no one was around outside it was 4:00 am, and unless My dogs learned how to talk then this voice came from somewhere important. I personally want to believe it was my Grandfather talking to me, telling me that I have the tools to control this. It sounded like him, and I frequently talk to him(myself) about life, and finally he answered. 

Don't get me wrong After that today was still totally a struggle. I wanted candy, didn't want to do a damn thing. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh so hard that i was crying. So I just took it one thing at a time

Anywho here are the photos of the day (excuse the trash on the floor, I have dogs that get into everything)

XOXO!!!!!

Erin D.

hate hate hate Bipolar disorder. when trying to be healthy

I hate living with this illness. Behind the smile is a very angry girl. I am cycling right now, this is when I go from a manic state, to a depressed agitated state. This is how my life has been for the last 5 years, I will be just fine then BAM! I get in to these very intense modes where I NEED to clean or focus on one thing until I am blue in the face, like crazy OCD fits, then I start to become agitated for a few days then I'll be in a  depressed state for at least 2 or 3 weeks.
To make the matters worse I am 70 pounds over weight. Great way to add to the misery. If I want to get all "blamey" here then I would say it was the disorder, but it didn't hold a gun to my head and make me eat unlimited amounts of pasta, I did.

Today I entered the agitated/depressed cycle. And I ate. I ate Sweetarts. A lot of them. Then at dinner I couldn't stop eating the lasagna. I would sneak to the kitchen to have "one more bite" no worries I tracked it and am dealing with it but still, I hate when I do that. I don't understand why food is so comforting to me. Sometimes I believe it is the instant gratification I get from alfredo. The only way I can describe it is that it's like a warm hug from an old friend. Food just is a release for me. I enjoy the process of prepping and cooking, and LOVE the satisfying feeling I get from it when I taste it and it is good. I am working really hard to change these behaviors but now entering this state I feel the load of what I am doing.

It isn't uncommon for someone with Bipolar disorder to be overweight. I've read the studies and know the stats, but it still doesn't stop me form over indulging, leaving with me more weight to try and lose when the depression leaves. Hell my Mom should serve as a lesson for me "this is what you should do to avoid going through this yourself one day". I don't WANT to be Diabetic, I don't want to take shots and I like having two legs. So even though I over ate on the pasta it could have been worse, I could have given in to my depression and my vice which is to have 3 or 4 cokes with my dinner. I chose to indulge myself on the pasta and to not have a coke, even when Brian asked if we could have pop tonight I said NO. This may seem like a small insignificant amount of progress to some but it WAS a very hard decision for me to make.... and I am proud I didn't let that win. Cause I know what would happen to my mood if I did. I would be a pool of tears right now. But I didn't and decided to open up about the situation. I know not many people read this, but this is like my journal here so just to put it out in the open is awesome.

I choose to work through this part of my illness and control it before it controls me.


ANYWHO here is today's photo of the day!

XOXO

Erin D.

 

Picture A day And other random things!!

So I started my picture a day project on Friday so I am a little behind on posting them..

Friday 2/22/2013. I felt really Good! went to the dr. for a foot check up and was feeling feisty! 

Saturday 2/23/2013 I felt awful when i woke up.

Sunday 2/24/2013 lazy day still not feeling well. Zoe Was my nurse!

Monday 2/25/2013 Was goofing off with my hair and makup!

We have had a ton of snow here in the past 5 days so Thursday, Friday and Monday I had off from work!

Eventually I had to go outside to let the puppies do their Business so I took another picture on Monday! 

The dogs, mainly Zoe, hated the snow. We had just had 18 inches on Wednesday of the following week which stopped on Friday and pretty much melted down just in time for the snow to start up again on Monday!

Ok Shadow hated the snow too!! do you see that evil glare she's giving me?

Nice and dry on the inside!!!

Tuesday 2/26/2013 me at work.

So I thought I would show my inspiration board. After each weigh in I post a new quote for the week!! I also set goals in ten pound increments and I show my progress on the index cards, every time I lose a  pound a pin moves from the pounds to loose to the pounds lost. when I lose 10 I reset it. What types of things do you all do to keep motivated??  

XOXO 

Erin D.

Weighing In at?@#$#&%$!

     Weighing  in is never easy for me but alas I must..... My official day I weigh in for Weight Watchers is Saturday. I step on my scale and I am ready for what it says 194.4. sad face....
   

      I accept it and am ready to do it for good this time! I also a documenting my journey by taking a picture a day, a coworker told me I should do this, so for the next year I will take a picture a day, with Saturday being my weigh in photo. I really like this idea a lot and a year from now I can truly look back and see how far I've come. That is it my weigh in!!!

The Road To 30.... starts now!

All my life I was thin.... until I wasn't... Life happens. I went through the worst two weeks of my life. It was in the summer of 2007. My dad calls me at work..... talk to your mom he said.... I couldn't understand what was happening but knew I was needed. My sister was not available due to a test for getting her license in her field of work, so I went to the  wound clinic. That day mom had her leg amputated. Diabetes is not a joke or something you can take lightly. I cant remember how the next event happened, but I remember the phone call, EVERY word. I called my aunt to let her know what was happening with mom, she was silent then the words that would change my life in another dramatic way came out of her mouth, "I don't think grandpa is breathing" I was in a state of numbness, some how after minutes of silence she said "I know he's not breathing, he's gone. In that moment I felt so...... I still don't know how to explain it. All I will say is my friends, Who also were my coworkers picked me off the floor and carried my weight for many many days.

      The reason for this story is to give background. In the months that followed I was diagnosed with depression, Which would after months of nothing working, no therapy, no medication, NOTHING, helping I went to get a mental health screening. Bi-polar. That was it. At the time, and sometimes I still do, I viewed it as a curse... I was told I developed it with the onset of difficult times which is common with adults. I also turned to food. And lots of it.

       In that first year after my diagnoses I went from 136 pounds to one 165 pounds. but another couple of years it went to 170, then to 180, and then 205. I'm 5 ft 1/2 an inch. do the visualization. I was BIG. Now I will say that on my wedding day I weighed 189. I had joined Weight Watchers, and lost a little weight, because I didn't really Follow the program..

   

       Now don't get me wrong I WAS FIERCE  the day of our wedding. I truly felt beautiful.Shortly after our wedding is when I reached 205. Getting married, planing a wedding, while having Bi-polar disorder, and stress, all that stuff was reason enough to STUFF my face! Its not an excuse, I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER! That is really the first time for me saying it out loud, to all of you!!
 
       Cut to December, I finally got around to changing my name, and took a new ID picture for work. When my new card was handed to me I thought they gave me the wrong card. No joke. I came back to work and asked my BFF if I was really that big. And We don't sugarcoat ANYTHING for each other. She said with a sincerer but stern face, "YES" She had been nagging me to go to the gym for MONTHS. I always had an excuse. So that evening I went to our gym on campus and paid to work out, I also rejoined Weight Watchers, and planned my walking program.

 
      Just like that my life changed. Everything just clicked with weight loss. Before I knew it, it was May. I was down 28 pounds! WOOHOO! Right? Yes and no. In the middle of  May, my BFF had fallen on hard times, she went home to her country. I couldn't be with her to help her. I felt guilty, my own fault not anyone else's, I stress ate everything including a jar of peanut butter in a 2 hour span (no joke, it was full too).  She was gone 3 weeks, I had no drive. But I didn't gain! When she came back I tried my hardest to be her rock. Cut to June back on track down 33 pounds! By then we went on our day trip (this blog was born).

       By July I was back! My parents and sister went to Vegas. We we taking care of the house, animals and watering the plants and yard 2 times a day. Hot hot summer. When they came back the hubs and I were relieved. Then the evening on the 8th happened, the house fire. The story is on the blog if you wanted to read it. That's all I will say about it. Needless to say I ate EVERYTHING in sight. Buy August i was back to 185. Not in a hang out with my friends kinda mood. I had a falling out with the BFF. And learned she was moving back home.. I ATE. 192... She left in October.... We didn't speak, even on her last day. I ATE.. 198.....

     By December..... 199.... I was trying to get back on track. but my feet were too much. went to the DR. Bone spurs. OUCH! Needed surgery... 204...

     So with a heavy heart I rejoined Weight Watchers in January. So now I'm starting my journey over, and this is it! I'm DONE! I cannot be heavy one more minute. and my goal!!!!!!!................

     On my 30th birthday I will be in Vegas at a pool in a retro BIKINI!!! I have only wore a bikini once. I was 15 and was uncomfortable. I had a size aa bra and some tummy pouch. But this time I will WORK IT!!! Mark my Words right here and now!! It WILL happen whether i am at a good weight or not. I signed a contract with myself, and made a promise!!!!  So follow me on my journey. Every Monday I will have a new post with a picture for everyday and some words of wisdom, and maybe when I am fully able some Work out info!!!!!

     My parting "gift' is a picture of me taken 7 years ago. I was HOT! And I will look like this again!!! I'm the one on the left. ;)

XOXO Erin D.

RANDO Post!!!!!

First post of the new year!!! yeah I'm a little late! anywho going to share a some of the progress of my parents house! The walls are up molding is being placed, windows in, closets set up ect.

Look if you have grown up in an old house you know that the doors NEVER shut properly!! but now they do!

My mom in MY closet! jk jk. This USED to 

be my room. Growing up I had a tiny tiny triangle of a closet in that room. Now my mom will have A WALK IN closet. I'm not jealous or anything! :)

This is part of the kitchen cabinets that have arrived!  

So because of all the changes at my parents I did a little redecorating of my own. This is what my apartments living-room looks like Now! LOVE IT! I also moved my old suit cases to the living room for storage and decoration.

I also decided to redecorate myself. after being known for my red hair for 7 years I wanted a Change!!

This is the last picture of me with red hair, after 7 years it was time for a change!

This was the result! and i love it!!!

On Saturday some friends and me and Brian made 100 bierocks!!! Love it when I can just hang out with good peeps!

And They are Quite wonderful!!!

And lastly This is Pete. He lives in my car. and I love him!!! Flying my freak flag very very high right now 

Yes I know this was a very random post! I'll be back later this week with a new one seeing how I will be bedridden for three days after my surgery!!

XOXO!

Erin