I remember my first therapist telling me those words, and how angry I was at them and her for that matter. With all the things that were going on in my life at the time, which I obviously in formed her, that was not a concept I could grasp. At this stage I had not been tested for Bipolar, and was being treated for depression. How could a person who just went through emotional hell chose happiness?
I remember fuming about that comment after I sought treatment from a new therapist, and they told me the same thing. But did something different, I saw someone who helped diagnose me. That day was two things, devastating and full circle.
Lets start with the devastating. I don't know about anyone else, but this is my journey, and every person is different. Having a REAL diagnoses made me feel like I was the Something wrong in my life, and that everything going on was my fault. I became a very angry and very depressive.
A little description of how it feels, for me, to be going through that state. When I am angry and depressive I admit it now, I am out to hurt people, so they can feel pain the way I do. But that is the depression. The real me is trapped and sees the destruction and is screaming, that's not me, I am over here.
I hesitated for a very long time on seeing the specialist again. But when the medications weren't working and I was desperate I went back. Ended up hospitalized, got the shit scared out of me and was released 24 hours later because I couldn't be there, and the realization that others are going through the same just without a support system, I knew what I had to do.
So what was the full circle? It was a normal day and I went to an appointment, she started reading off somethings that made sense. I never really fit in, in school, work, and sometimes with my family. I had bad mood-swings as a child and teenager. I mainly liked to be alone. Everything made sense. And as I was leaving the Dr. told me Erin, just remember Happiness is a choice. I turned around and asked "what does everyone mean by that? I am mentally ill, I am bipolar. She made me go back in to her office, sat me down and said this.
"You are not Bipolar, You are Erin, and you have Bipolar disorder. You are not your illness. So just Be You. Choose to be as happy as you can be. Just Be You."
And that is where MY life changed. I took my medication regularly, I mood charted, and worked hard to do as she said "Be You"
All to often this is seen in our communities, people who sadly chose to be their illness, because they don't have the tools to know what others know, they are not the illness.
To Anyone who stops by just remember
1) Happiness Is a choice
2) You are not your illness'
And my favorite
3) Be You
That's where I leave you this Monday. If you are interested in my 30 day mood charting support group head over to my Contact me page! or leave a comment below.
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