Mental Monday: Battle Scars Part 1

Most of us, even without a mental illness, carry battle scars, past transgressions. In some cases we even wear them as a badge of honor or pride. But for me that ends now.

For to long I have let the one thing dictate my future and my present. And frankly I tired of lugging it around. Its time to let the past go. Including my scars.

The truth is if it doesn't bring you joy or peace then let it go. So here is to my first Battle Scar. Bitterness.

I carried this anger when I was diagnosed. I was bitter and just pissed. I ate my feelings. I stewed in my pain of watching people I loved go through terrible things. And when the dust settled I became hardened. I wasn't the best version of my self. I became reclusive, I hid from hanging out with people I ran from the responsibilities of friendship and family.

So today I am letting go of those things. How? It is different for every person. I like to write and walk to let things go, and that is what I did. So each Monday for a few weeks I am dedicating my mental Mondays to letting go of my battle scars.

Today I let go of  my hurt of past relationships that rocked me to my core. I let go of the anger of being hurt by people I trusted. I forgive them and their behavior and I forgive myself. I am letting go of the trust that was lost in the hopes that one day I can have that level of friendship with people again.

Mental Monday: Finding Motivation

As I sit here to right this. one thing is clear. My motivation is nowhere to be found. for anything. I don't want to workout, I don't even want to write the blog today. Whats worse? I didn't even want to start the coffee. But I DID.

Motivation to do anything doesn't appear from some magical land. If you want it you just have to start. It is something that comes when you form a habit. I can tell you that after I workout I will have a great big helping of it.

But I also must say that motivation is hard for me and others suffering from mental health issues. am I perfect in this area? Nope. I have day where my bed and a dark room in a house on a deserted island sounds amazing. In fact I want that NOW. But as soon as the husband wakes up we will workout and start our day.

What I have learned is you can't do this alone, you can't shut the people who love us out. We need support. And a success partner is something we all need. So my call to action for you is to find a person you can count on to help you through the days where solitary confinement sound awesome and lean on them, but also remember to give back what they give to you.

Happy Monday!

Mental Monday: working a full time job and being bipolar

Not going in to much detail but last week was a hard week for my professional life. As I have now reached my 30's I am finding it much harder to work than when I was first diagnosed. So this is a quick mental Monday post. Because I have to get up and go to work tomorrow. But sometime tough delicious have to be made. If you work it has to be the right environment but right now it just isn't. For the first time in 3 years I broke down and thought that I should be committed. I hate hospital stays. It is so depressing and I don't know how I would grow in that environment to become stable. Tough choices are on the horizon for me and my husband.

But on the bright sis he loves me no matter what!

Mental Monday: Bipolar and money.

As I write this the struggle to tell this story is hard. My family reads my blog, and not many know that in 2008, I filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy. This was right before my diagnosis. But money had always been a challenge for me. If I had a bad day, I would buy things I couldn't afford with my credit cards. If I was pissed off I would shop. In some cases this was a learned behavior, I saw this a lot with my parents. But it wasn't their fault, I own it, I did it.

Cut to diagnosis and a new(ish) relationship. My husband and I were together at the time of my bankruptcy, and I swore I was done.  That was when I developed the hiding of my spending.

At first it was little things here and there stuff I knew I could get away with, makeup, etc....  Then it would be hundreds of dollars of things I would hide. But then the guilt would settle in and I would fess up. This was and sometimes is still an occurrence. It is a work in progress every day when I am in a manic time the struggle is there, and when I am depressed that urge is there as well, however it is more about things that comfort me in a depressive state, like food, pasta, wanting to eat out, trying to convince my husband that I want this food or that food. But the area that these two states have in common is spending money we don't have.

Being on medication helps. It always, for me anyway, softens the blow of my mental state. Don't get me wrong medications help, but they DO NOT solve the problem. And I believe the problem never gets solved, mainly because it is a daily struggle to constantly fight with your mind or constantly try you best everyday to be better.

Mental illness is always for me a work in progress. I know we all have our own feelings on if it can go into a state of consistency, for me I don't believe that is possible for me. Why do you ask? Because my brain chemicals are constantly changing and my meds are always needing to be raised or lowered. My bipolar "levels out" on any medication. Trust me we have tried so many cocktails 007 would be jealous.

Money for me now has become a bit of an obsession. I struggle everyday to not check our accounts, or make a new budget. Just yesterday we had to make a tough choice and buy something that is in most cases a temporary situation. It almost depleted our savings, but we felt like we had no choice left to barter with.

I also have my mothers heart and I have this need to help my friends or family. But now I have my life and future hanging in the balance with no cushion. Over the next few months we will be working towards rebuilding our savings, by doing a number of things.
For me that means really buckling down and working to become the leader I need to be to grow my business, because the other part of this disorder is the ability to have a job, which I do, but it isn't my passion. I am on a mission to change the way people look at not only mental health, but physical health, and gain a life of financial freedom. If this sounds like something you would like to know more about click the join our team tab at the top to learn about why I started my journey or simply click here to go to the page  besides we are just two goofballs wanting to change ourselves and others, and together with the help of others we can get there!

Mental Monday: Trust

In life we all have trust issues. But in MY case of being bipolar, it is much more difficult to make friends and trust them.

This post will be a release for me, it is something that has been with me for a so long.

I know in life it really is difficult to trust people. But as a person living with mental illness I find it ten times more difficult.

My story of trust is dark and not something that I can let go of, yet.

With this illness you find who your true friends are, and that can be difficult. You put all your trust into someone only to have knives put in your back.


Over the last six years of my life I have lost many friends, some have gone quietly, others have ripped my heart out of my chest and led me in to deep depression. It made me question everything about my life. I felt so alone, and I was in the situation of having to be around them, I for lack of a better word was treated like SHIT. Mostly I stayed quiet, and cried when no one was looking. I had serious thoughts of self harm, not many people knew that, my confidant, my right arm, my wing man, treated me like dog shit, and it was an everyday thing. And I wanted to not exist. It felt like a bad divorce. And sometimes it felt like a funeral of what was some of the best times of my life. Even to this day I still cant look at some of my wedding photos without wanting to cry or punch something.

So how can we do it, trust others?

It is a leap of faith, and most of the time you build your wings on the way down.

The people that stuck around, that believed in me, I love them. Even if I rarely see them, due to many things, life, distance, or I will admit my own reclusive nature that keeps me away. But I love them!

Mental Monday: Choices

Happiness is a choice......

I remember my first therapist telling me those words, and how angry I was at them and her for that matter. With all the things that were going on in my life at the time, which I obviously in formed her, that was not a concept I could grasp. At this stage I had not been tested for Bipolar, and was being treated for depression. How could a person who just went through emotional hell chose happiness?

I remember fuming about that comment after I sought treatment from a new therapist, and they told me the same thing. But did something different, I saw someone who helped diagnose me. That day was two things, devastating and full circle.

Lets start with the devastating. I don't know about anyone else, but this is my journey, and every person is different. Having a REAL diagnoses made me feel like I was the Something wrong in my life, and that everything going on was my fault. I became a very angry and very depressive.

A little description of how it feels, for me, to be going through that state. When I am angry and depressive I admit it now, I am out to hurt people, so they can feel pain the way I do. But that is the depression. The real me is trapped and sees the destruction and is screaming, that's not me, I am over here.

I hesitated for a very long time on seeing the specialist again. But when the medications weren't working and I was desperate I went back. Ended up hospitalized, got the shit scared out of me and was released 24 hours later because I couldn't be there, and the realization that others are going through the same just without a support system, I knew what I had to do.  

So what was the full circle? It was a normal day and I went to an appointment, she started reading off somethings that made sense. I never really fit in, in school, work, and sometimes with my family. I had bad mood-swings as a child and teenager. I mainly liked to be alone. Everything made sense. And as I was leaving the Dr. told me Erin, just remember Happiness is a choice. I turned around and asked "what does everyone mean by that? I am mentally ill, I am bipolar. She made me go back in to her office, sat me down and said this.

"You are not Bipolar, You are Erin, and you have Bipolar disorder. You are not your illness.  So just Be You. Choose to be as happy as you can be. Just Be You."

And that is where MY life changed. I took my medication regularly, I mood charted, and worked hard to do as she said "Be You"

All to often this is seen in our communities, people who sadly chose to be their illness, because they don't have the tools to know what others know, they are not the illness.

To Anyone who stops by just remember
1) Happiness Is a choice
2) You are not your illness'
And my favorite
3) Be You




That's where I leave you this Monday. If you are interested in my 30 day mood charting support group head over to my Contact me page!  or leave a comment below.

Mental Monday: finding out your triggers/stresses/warnings

One thing I am still working on in my mental health journey and wellness journey is to recognize my triggers. For those not familiar, triggers in hindsight are warnings that a manic or depressive episode is coming.

This is something that has taken so much of my time to finding a balance in my life.  So what is the first step in figuring out what your triggers are. I hated this in the early stages of my journey, but mood charting is amazing. For me the more detailed charts were the best. I recommend one that has a slot for Meds, food, water. And then the times of the day to chart your moods. The best one I have found is here at DBSA

Sometimes finding out your triggers can be painful. It's hard to admit but family is a trigger.  It's hard when everyone thinks they know you, or certain people push your buttons for their own personal game. Also my former job at times was an added amount of stress on my health.

Money is also a huge trigger for me no matter how much or little I have. 

My best advice to anyone going through the ups and downs of mental illness is to just for 30 days try mood charting. If you need support from someone I can be that shoulder for you to lean on. We can do it together.  Just leave a comment or hit the contact me tab located at the top of the screen, or click here!

Have a healthy Monday!

XOXO Erin