This post will be a release for me, it is something that has been with me for a so long.
I know in life it really is difficult to trust people. But as a person living with mental illness I find it ten times more difficult.
My story of trust is dark and not something that I can let go of, yet.
With this illness you find who your true friends are, and that can be difficult. You put all your trust into someone only to have knives put in your back.
Over the last six years of my life I have lost many friends, some have gone quietly, others have ripped my heart out of my chest and led me in to deep depression. It made me question everything about my life. I felt so alone, and I was in the situation of having to be around them, I for lack of a better word was treated like SHIT. Mostly I stayed quiet, and cried when no one was looking. I had serious thoughts of self harm, not many people knew that, my confidant, my right arm, my wing man, treated me like dog shit, and it was an everyday thing. And I wanted to not exist. It felt like a bad divorce. And sometimes it felt like a funeral of what was some of the best times of my life. Even to this day I still cant look at some of my wedding photos without wanting to cry or punch something.
So how can we do it, trust others?
It is a leap of faith, and most of the time you build your wings on the way down.
The people that stuck around, that believed in me, I love them. Even if I rarely see them, due to many things, life, distance, or I will admit my own reclusive nature that keeps me away. But I love them!
