Weight Of The World: Workout Wednesday Edition

I don't know where exactly to start this post. I lately have only been trying to put out the positive side of me. But as the days progress my depression has grown to an astronomical length..

I am a self sabotage person. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes it is like I have this empty feeling in my heart, probably because two of my favorite people in the world aren't here anymore and to fill that hole I eat.

I restart my weeks on Sunday's it has become more of a habit since my weight watcher days. Sunday and Monday were amazing days food wise. But then Tuesday. I had what a very vivid dream or moment of my mother and that made me miss her like crazy. Then the negative thoughts start to crowd my brain. Feelings of letting her down and disappointing her, and then I fell like I am failing at EVERYTHING. Job, Finance, you name it. That is when I need to fill that void I feel. I fill it with food.

So being that it is Wednesday I thought I would give you an analogy of what it is like. I have stated here before that I love walking. So imagine you are hiking up this trail. At first it is beautiful the trees the fresh air. But then the trail becomes very steep. You begin to breathe heavy and start to sweat. Then the thought of you can't do this creeps in. Then it begins to rain. No pour. you are still climbing still trucking along but the negatives start to win. You stop. You don't want to keep going. You have a pity party. The negative has won.

That's where I am right now, with everything in life.

Until this morning.

And why the walking analogy is so fitting for me. I laced up my shoes went to the gym and began to climb my mountain. My depression. Am I in a better place? Yes. Am I where I want to be? No the depression is still here. But I chose to climb. The only way it gets better with mental health is to climb out of the hole.

I can't remember the movie, but the main character is trapped in a hole that the bad guy has dug its raining and the villain keeps pouring dirt in to the hole the rain makes it worse but she is still fighting. And I will continue to fight my villain, my Bipolar Disorder. Some day's I will want to quit, and I might stop fighting that day, but when I am ready to start the climb again I will come back stronger.